Thought: past|present|future

so one moves on 
come what may. 

may the addict find what he is looking for in this life 

and someday appreciate the process appreciation to those around them. 

those relationships are never meant to be long term anyway. not in an addicts view. 

just a stepping stone to the next ones. unless the bridge is burned.

perhaps someday the addict will return to redeem them.

"Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold."

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Thought: bleeding heart....

so the heart does bleed. 

no relation with addicts ever work out in the end. by the time you work the issues, and one heals, the other heals - it's time to part ways. for the addict awakes to life in a new fresh vision and the old and present just don't fit or hold the key to happiness anymore. so again the co-dep loses. walked over, stepped on, used, abused and left in the dust while the addict continues their wholeness qwest for what was lost. 

personal note: 

i alway liked new beginnings. in fact that is the cycle of my life since birth. a lifestyle of military moves, every 3 years until now. i have no roots, nor long term friends. if i don't move, the furnature changes. friends come and go. i remain the same. sojourner. wanderer. after all my name means beautiful sojourner, a stranger....

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Watch Akeela and the Bee!

doesn't everyone desire to be whole? 

everything on earth moves towards homeostasis in all forms. it's when we aren't working with the natural impulse to be well by masking and covering pain with drugs, or other ism's that we lose our self.  (Homeostasis: Wholeness in life)

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” -- Our Deepest Fear by Marianne Williamson

watch akeela and the bee.... to overcome or fail is a choice....

Akeela and the Bee

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the truth is...

it's unclear who really is well

in a dysfunctional relationships. even the strongest soul can be affected and torn by generational brokeness when you live intimately in such situations. Perhaps we all should focus on fixing ourselves as the major purpose of the 20's rather than the push to make families, careers etc. happen. if one waits to long they shatter souls along their path of discovering they are NOT whole.

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Thought: No Escape

there is no escape button. 

even when you start out as helping someone. no matter how strong you are the addiction wins in making you a victim. there is no other way out but to be totally separate. the picture and link to the site puts it exactly how it is. one can only help themselves. i lost. i became a part of another's addiction habit and descent into "hell" . 

no one to blame. but now i see clearly, i can only know this: THIS ABOVE ALL ELSE TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE...

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Illustrating Addiction: Drawing not words

Meet Socrates. 

he thinks he knows the truth. but the truth is the addictions of his life

 run the gamet of who he is. it's a time bomb waiting to explode. 

WHAT DO YOU SEE? 

From Personal Sketchbook drawing 

" pen & ink, 8.5x5.5" 

This is the first in a series of drawings with Socrates. Ask to see more.

Drawing is a way to journal just like writing words.

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Thoughts: polarity pulls

It pulls in the direction to leave verses the dedication and commitment to stay.

 it's the fine line one walks with an addict. intricately woven into addictive relations hangs the balance of staying and walking away. you love. you hate. you watch while the addict bows deeply in love to the substance. never once thinking it totally selfish, self seeking and greed in it's purist format. so what is a balanced and healthy relationship? i know in my experience what isn't. i only seek some mutual something to hang onto at times. it touches so many areas of need, crossing areas of tabu as well.

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more whys...

it's enough that the addict grows and changes and learns all the lingo to be well.. 

so when they uncork and explode leaving all residue on the co-dep it's again the co-deps issue and problem for blaming for the addict.. it's a hampster wheel one cannot escape -- short of divorce. separation... whatever. despondance is a light description of how one feels in relation to an addict. it's a thin line of hate and love, hope and despair and quitting and perservance.... the co-dep also needs counselling. to unload all the anger, resentment and hatred stirred up by the addicts extremely volatile behavoirs.. there are no words to describe the deep inner woundedness or scars that form in these relationships....

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forgiveness and addiction

every one must forgive. 

as difficult as it is forgiveness is the best healer of all. no matter what the injury or wound, the addict/sinner (please click to look at the definition from original Hebrew scripture) is also one deeply wounded. as we begin to move forward with community, in our families, reaching out with understanding with the offer of forgiveness as a path of restoration.

It's judicial on both sides, a judgment of sorts, because one needs also to admit wrongdoing and hurts as well to make amends. Something most 21st century society is not familiar with. Actually, I find one TV Show that uses apologies, asking forgiveness as well as admitting mistakes and that is BROTHERS AND SISTERS on ABC. It's one of my favorite shows to watch because the relationships show reality and truth in all American Families. It's successful in showing the complex way families hang in the balance between unity and brokenness. One of the sons struggles with alcohol and drugs. He was in Iraq and came back in a cloud of confusion and into the grasp of addiction. There is one in almost every family.

substances being abused will fade with knowledge, love and forgiveness. standing in the face of abusers is not a task easily faced. it takes commitment and unfailing trust that GOD is in control and is bigger than any problem at hand.

jumping out of the circle dance of blame and into the pool of forgiveness and healing. put down the pride and defense.... right now in this present moment this is good medicine... ask for forgiveness then give it!

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More on Terry...

so now i am in albuquerque... i met with lois... terry as well. i see both sides of the coin. he gave voice to his story of the dwi. i am glad to hear and listen. perhaps i was way too judgemental. we spoke about his arrogance and tough outside during the filming... it's really not who he is. more to come laters...

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LINK BACK

REPEAT DWI - Terry Gilliland

EMTs call in repeat DWI-- Terry Gilliland

Heh! I know this guy. He married my best friend in 75. He lays a path of destruction in all of his relationships because of alcohol. I pity him. His children, all 4 who suffered under his BAD choices. Now he is on the news still acting smug, like it doesn't matter. My friend, is an angel. An accomplished musician, RN with outstanding work ethics and one of the most PURE people I know. She divorced him about 4 or 5 years ago... Even though he never let go of her and still tried to weasel his way into ruining her life. I am glad she never went back. He is a fake and will never change. NINE times DWI... what will it take?

5/31/2008

11/01/2008 UPDATE: the video is now removed from KRQE News 13  

Which is rather symbolic-read a new post here:  more!  

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Be Sober, Be Healed.
Are you or someone you know struggling with addiction?
It affects everyone. Ready for a change?
Addiction Rehab is available.
Make a choice today.

THOUGHTS: Why?

an addict gets the absolution, treatment and allowance of rage?

while the one who holds it all together gets the brunt of all that rage even when it's not pointed personally to them... 

for once can they not see it's their lousy choices in addition to the "bad" things done to them that also contribute to their mess?

damn.

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Salon.com TV on Crack

After all, what bothers us the most about addicts is that they're doing what we're all tempted to do, either once in our lifetime, once every few years, once every few months, or once a week: Give up. We hate the addict because we want to tell him or her, "Suck it up! Do you think I like going to my tedious job every day? Do you think I enjoy reading credit card bills I can't begin to tackle? Sure, I'd love to stay in bed and eat chocolate and smoke crack for the rest of my life, but I don't do that, because I know better!"

again the addict wins the contest, 

consuming all the others around them, getting all the treatment while we who walk the straight and narrow, paying again the price. we are smug about the messed up lives of addicts- any kind whose lives are out of control. glad it's not us... yet at the same time fearful and full of wonder at how we managed to NOT fall into it...

this article speaks truth. it speaks volumes about the condition of our society and culture climate. read with the fear of God and thank him for the mercy shown in your life.... 

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FORUM POST: Cleaning out a Closet

cleaning out a closet

Posted on: 05/27/2006 at 12:34pm (171 of 171) at OPRAH Arizona Sands Forum

much like cleansing ones mind brings space, relief, room for the new and the knowledge that you have rid yourself from lingering relics that no longer SUIT you... today is that day. as i look at each piece of clothing all the "sale" items never worn, wrong colors, things worn out, things given to me - kept because of sentimental value... i bless them and put it in the giveaway pile. RELIEF. until today i thought my closet was stuffed full with usable items. now half is on the floor ready to be boxed. at least 45 hangers were empty -- yes 45, and there is now 1/2 a closet free... this tells me two things: not to cling to useless memories, ill fitting thoughts or ideas that were too easy to take root. two keep cleaning on a regular basis and not put it off to an annual event...

may your MEMORIAL weekend be filled with family, love and good memories! 

--

rasama

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Amalgamarts

My creative addiction... rather than self destructive, it's life expressive!

THOUGHT: Addiction means unmet needs

at the bottom of addictshun lies unmet needs. 

rejection, criticism, hurts, abandonment, anger, painful memories the toxic poison buried inside the soul. the substance calms the rage, numbs the pain while the body absorbs the relief.. years of this abuse becomes one with the body... 

more on this laters...

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James Frey - a million little pieces

when james frey was first on oprah

i found it unbelievable that he could be so calm, callous and cold about the "addiction" lifestyle he lived and how it tore through his family like a tornado... deciding that oprah perhaps saw something i didn't i ordered the book. i too could not put it down. reading gave better insight to what the man was about. not suffering from addiction is a gift to me in my life. however; having a father who is an addict and several people whom i care deeply about gave me motivation to stick with the story... WHY do they act the way they do? what drives them...

and yes the LIES. you see that is integral to addicts. they don't know how to tell the truth because the "sin" of addiction is denial. not being able to deal honestly with life or anyone for that matter. it appears that the addiction in james frey life is not yet healed. in fact the lies he was confronted with is still part of the process of breaking down the denial. until he is truly "busted" from that, i imagine none of his life will ever be true.

i don't say that he is wrong to have written and marketed the book that way it was done. I just challenge him to actually put into practice the TWELVE STEPS that he so disdained. I agree that the program suffers greatly from addicts switching from substance to support groups .

The heart of the matter of the steps is walking straight from substance but dealing with life and finally becoming HONEST enough to work on oneself as well as fixing broken relationships.

there is nothing worse than an addict lying to those around them to feed their intense, compulsive/obsessive behaviors no matter the cost. wait... in fact, there is something worse. someone who puts down the substance and never quits lying. who never comes clean with the sickening manipulations and false faces they show everyone because of the addiction never being totally CLEANED OUT...

I have great respect that james frey sat through Oprah's "skewering" as it's been called. I wouldn't have wanted to sit in that seat for all the money TV could offer. yet, he did. maybe he will indeed find a cleansing that forever changes his life...

i always did think that memoirs were slightly "fictional" so much of the hoopla seems out of place in light of the fact that the NEW YORK TIMES was so critical when indeed they themselves have been EMBARRASSED by the same deceit of other writers.....

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loss of self

addiction creates a loss of self identity

the substance an engine which drives the "man/woman" for the fuel. watching from the outside it looks much like this painting. the addict lives in an easy chair thinking things are fine when the reality of the black cloud shrouds clear thinking. dysfuntion is without the use of all limbs and mental capacity to create a decent future, or lifestyle that allows others to participate... the engine consumes EVERYTHING in the path. from the outside looking in, from one who is at the end of themselves with the addict my heart goes out to you and the man dilemna... (man of course being mankind).

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impressed... very impressed.

i found this writing from someone addicted. someone who beat their addiction. one of the worst ones to overcome.

SMOKING. someone actually quit!

he cites an article from salon: http://archive.salon.com/health/feature/2000/02/08/quitsmoking/index.html

bravo, i wish there was someway to write to him.. congratulate him for the honesty about his struggle and writing so eloquently about the downfalls. but he has no email. so i blog it for a quiet and respectful tribute to his victory over all the vices he had under his belt and the wonderful graphic symbolism that helped him through his days.

i wish everyone addicted had the guts he showed to change his life.

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Addiction is a compulsion

Addiction is a compulsion to repeat a behavior regardless of its consequences.

• http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Addiction
• 
  
• http://www.marijuana-anonymous.org/

addicts are the prodigal.. the one who gets the attention the fatted calf and forgiveness.. while the one who is straight in relation to the addict, gets the shaft. takes the responsibility and pays for the mistakes of the addict. they get the treatment which costs thousands while the straight again pays the price.. 

there is no justice in this relation....

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