Yes, his comment did make an impression on me. And it has stuck with me these past 5 years. I only wish it had prompted me to immediately get clean as it would have saved me a good 9 more months of misery, depression, financial crisis and pain inflicted on my family.
But recovery is never that clear cut. Or story book. Or logical. I wasn't ready to quit then. Not until I pushed it as far as I could and realized that my life was ready to implode. Addicts usually only go into recovery as a last resort. And my family, my finances, my career, my freedom--all of it was ready to come crashing down. And they would have fell like heavy, explosive dominoes. My life was a house of cards and a category 5 tornado of destruction was barreling down on me. Only then did I surrender and check myself into rehab. And to be honest, I finally agreed because it fit into my schedule. Of course, in my ego-driven delusion, I couldn't comprehend that my "schedule" was getting high every day as much and as often as possible while showing up to work just enough to not attract attention. I had already given up hiding my addiction from my family. But if I lost my job, I wouldn't have any money coming in and I couldn't keep getting high. And I'm sure I was only weeks away from being discovered. I was high at work constantly. It was over and I knew it.
So I checked into rehab Christmas Eve 5 years ago. And checked out on New Years Day. A new beginning. Sounds like a bad Hollywood script, I know, but it was the holidays so I could take off work and and not attract suspicion. But it was only a week. That was the maximum amount insurance would pay. And to show how screwed up the health insurance industry's policy is on addiction, I had to lie and say I was physically addicted to alcohol. I wasn't. I drank like a fish, yes, but my drug was cocaine. As much as I could get into my system. I snorted it and smoked it constantly. But you don't have physical, violent withdrawls from coke. And that's all the health insurance policy makers care about. That you don't die from withdrawls and they could be sued because they denied you treatment. Which means they deny cocaine addicts treatment every day. It is their policy. Even hopeless crackheads. So I lied, told them I was drinking a liter of vodka a day along with my 8-ball of blow and came home a week later clean and sober.
I was clean but I was in no way cured. You are never cured from addiction. You only get better. And rehab just sets the foundation to get started on your journey to recovery. I knew some people who came out of treatment thinking they were cured. They all relapsed. Some died. Treatment just helps you break the cycle so you can start going to AA meetings. And I go to meetings every week. At first, I went every day for the first 6 months. My cravings lessened after 3 months or so. Then I had to work on my thinking. Deflate my ego. Learn the skill of self-realization. Get connected to a higher power.
So far, it is working. Yes, I still have my addictions. I still work too much, think too much and the idea of eating just because I am hungry is foreign to me. I also watch too much TV, surf the web too much, listen to too much gossip--whatever it is--I do it to escape. To not be in the moment. To scratch the itch deep inside me. To feel something. They say there are two types of addicts. Those who use to feel something and those who use to feel nothing. I always used to feel something. If I could, there are times even now that I would freebase an entire box of Lucky Charms in one sitting just to feel something. But I am getting better. I am less angry ( a lot less), more compassionate, more empathetic and more accepting. I am becoming a part of the human race rather than the god of my own sick, deviant universe.
So yes, please share my words. Hopefully they will help someone. And good luck with your struggle with co-dependency. You know, one of the cues that helped me get clean was when my wife started going to ALANON. She was getting better and I knew it was a matter of time before she left. And losing my family was something I wasn't willing to do.
So take care of yourself. Get yourself healthy first. You can't save anyone but yourself. It's no accident you are attracting addicts into your life. Your dad probably created that need in you. It's certainly not your fault but everyone is responsible for their own recovery. Including the person in your life. They have to hit bottom. And everyone's bottom is different. You hit it when you decide to stop digging.
I hope our friend has put down his shovel.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Letter from one who knows | part II
This is Jeff's email response to my questions found here: CLICK to read prior post:
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
12 steps to where?
What possesses us and binds up keeps us as slaves. Where do you find true freedom at the end of 12 steps? Listen and find who can set you free! Gordon speaks quietly to hearts seeking to be whole. WORTH listening to again and again.700 Club- Gordon Robinson: 7 Days Ablaze - , Sept. 21, 2009
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Sunday, September 6, 2009
letter from one who knows | part I
My name is Jeff (changed to protect privacy). I'm a close friend of an "addict" (name removed to protect privacy. It's funny, but I haven't spent a lot of time with him over the years--just when we are CA together for shoots--but his huge heart and soul just sucks you in and you feel as though you've known the man your whole life. So I feel close to "him" for that reason, and also, because I too am in recovery.
I remember the last time I saw "him". It was 4 am in his hotel room nearly 5 years ago. We were both successful in our careers at the time and he remarked how incredible a feat that was. "Look how far we've gone," he remarked, "but neither one of us has ever been 100%. Imagine what we could do if we were 100%?" It was a very insightful moment. One that stuck with me. I got sober soon after.
I've been thinking about "him" a lot over the past couple years. Always asked about him when I saw others that knew and loved him. (And there were many.) But it was as if he fell off the face of the planet. Deep down, I knew he had crawled further into his addictions but I had no way of contacting him. So I googled him a few weeks ago and saw the news stories. It saddened me that addiction can take control of someone even like "him", a man with such heart and soul, and cause him to do things he would never do in a sane state of mind.
Addiction leads to insanity. Then death. And I feared that was where "his" fate led him until I found your blog today. I was so happy to discover that he was alive, and most importantly, in recovery. I would like to help and support him in any way I can. Tell him there is hope. What happened to him was bad, yes. He was humiliated. But that's the lesson of humility. If you don't find humility on your own, the universe will find a way to humiliate you. And then you can begin to recover.
So, please send this message to "him". Let him know I think no less of him for what happened. In fact, I think so much more of him now that he's finally surrendered and is taken that first step towards getting better.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
slow, easy boiled...
surfacing memories of ancient scents and vision.
passing through intricate maze.
steps concealed by meticulous painted futures.
the ember smolders in silence.
who am i?
disguised and hidden, choked is the artist within.
"to thine own self be true." words on my wall
penned near perfect by genius who gave all to
his talent.
the calligraphic illumination created in time.
a time of clarity and steady hands. so long ago.
questioning the gain of my independence, what is learned?
tasting the world, losing love and family nearly swallowed by darkness.
i survived, inwardly frozen, moving forward. for once i desire to be free,
cared for and not possessed. Here am I.
romantic notions gone, shadowed by harsh reality of the world.
Crushed by world systems where creativity is caught in the cogs.
the depth of wholeness and sensibility the only treasure collected
along the way.
My exterior lacks it youthful beauty and innocence.
Go back to embrace the frightened girl of the past. The girl with no future
or so she thought?
Here am I, with eyes shut seeing myself emerge.
Only to open these eyes to a face I do not recognize.
with a man i know not for the mask of addiction
deceives, withdraws, manipulates and plays the game
so well. again i am duped by the charm.
surfacing memories of ancient scents and vision.
passing through intricate maze.
steps concealed by meticulous painted futures.
the ember smolders in silence.
who am i?
disguised and hidden, choked is the artist within.
"to thine own self be true." words on my wall
penned near perfect by genius who gave all to
his talent.
the calligraphic illumination created in time.
a time of clarity and steady hands. so long ago.
questioning the gain of my independence, what is learned?
tasting the world, losing love and family nearly swallowed by darkness.
i survived, inwardly frozen, moving forward. for once i desire to be free,
cared for and not possessed. Here am I.
romantic notions gone, shadowed by harsh reality of the world.
Crushed by world systems where creativity is caught in the cogs.
the depth of wholeness and sensibility the only treasure collected
along the way.
My exterior lacks it youthful beauty and innocence.
Go back to embrace the frightened girl of the past. The girl with no future
or so she thought?
Here am I, with eyes shut seeing myself emerge.
Only to open these eyes to a face I do not recognize.
with a man i know not for the mask of addiction
deceives, withdraws, manipulates and plays the game
so well. again i am duped by the charm.
requiem for an addict
so let me introduce myself.
Don't cha know my name?
it's me. the liquid sliding over iced glass.
the daily use that craving never fulfills.
yes, the sound of clinking ice, cracking when poured over
over cubes that become reflected life.
it's me. a desperate resonant gulp, sliding down your throat,
coursing through your veins till trembling hands and mind are stilled.
stilled in silence, numb to the stark reality that you need me.
it's me. the one you owe allegiance to, bowing each day.
stashing bottles every size shape and color. carefully hiding your precious.
just in case you forget to worship in the temple of necessity.
it's me. in manifest profusion of forms to the populace.
every sip, puff or swallow a step closer to your last.
cycling back to again to your first.
it's hard to deny my compelling force of want.
it's me. buffering your pain with commanding adherence.
using me for all your ills, no other god stands before me
when you love the taste and feel, laying your down for just one taste.
it's me. disguised in smoke and mirrors.
reflected in forms of needles, power and crystallized potions.
i am the passion you live for, with devotion that empties your bank,
crushing those who love you, siphoning your life dry.
it's me the face and embodiment of kaleidoscopic substances.
the drink of spirits, misleading the search for meaning,
a deceptively smooth slide into oblivion, till death do we part.
Don't cha know my name?
it's me. the liquid sliding over iced glass.
the daily use that craving never fulfills.
yes, the sound of clinking ice, cracking when poured over
over cubes that become reflected life.
it's me. a desperate resonant gulp, sliding down your throat,
coursing through your veins till trembling hands and mind are stilled.
stilled in silence, numb to the stark reality that you need me.
it's me. the one you owe allegiance to, bowing each day.
stashing bottles every size shape and color. carefully hiding your precious.
just in case you forget to worship in the temple of necessity.
it's me. in manifest profusion of forms to the populace.
every sip, puff or swallow a step closer to your last.
cycling back to again to your first.
it's hard to deny my compelling force of want.
it's me. buffering your pain with commanding adherence.
using me for all your ills, no other god stands before me
when you love the taste and feel, laying your down for just one taste.
it's me. disguised in smoke and mirrors.
reflected in forms of needles, power and crystallized potions.
i am the passion you live for, with devotion that empties your bank,
crushing those who love you, siphoning your life dry.
it's me the face and embodiment of kaleidoscopic substances.
the drink of spirits, misleading the search for meaning,
a deceptively smooth slide into oblivion, till death do we part.
other side of addiction
wounded, stabbing silent pain, so deep it aches.
unwept tears behind these eyes.
the prison of pearly whites block exit or entrance
of healing streams.
endless cruelty in action, words...
a sword drawn to the weak,
snuffs a soul from light or hope.
sensitivity misunderstood,
ridiculed as the weakened heart
lays blistered with neglect,
emptied of it's love.
it's been said "the heart is a lonely hunter..."
such is mine. to that i say amen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter is
the debut 1940 novel by Carson McCullers
between here and there
waltzing concentric circles so near towards the edge of insanity,
touching the rimmed abyss of nothingness.
the darkness calls for light, beckoning my steps.
my feet gently tipping into the emptiness,
this border so thin between here and there.
dancing alone, so alone.
learning steps to keep from sliding off the edge,
clipping him with the precision of sobriety.
swirling round and round, dizzying thoughts flying
overtaken the careful steps. swirling, falling with eyes shut.
the world and i one spinning on eternal daily axis,
between the addict and me.
i dance to the light, tripping on his darkness. he's not
free - nor ever will be until his steps are twelve.
touching the rimmed abyss of nothingness.
the darkness calls for light, beckoning my steps.
my feet gently tipping into the emptiness,
this border so thin between here and there.
dancing alone, so alone.
learning steps to keep from sliding off the edge,
clipping him with the precision of sobriety.
swirling round and round, dizzying thoughts flying
overtaken the careful steps. swirling, falling with eyes shut.
the world and i one spinning on eternal daily axis,
between the addict and me.
i dance to the light, tripping on his darkness. he's not
free - nor ever will be until his steps are twelve.
Two sides of Addiction...
Again I bring up the defining term of what it is to be an addict. Again I bring up the other side of addiction so we can heal both sides.According to Dr. John Bledsoe:
What Is Addiction? Addiction has been defined as an "abnormal attachment to a behavior or chemical that produces compulsion and shame with a consistent and progressive deterioration of the ability to function." The following information on addiction is limited to mood altering drugs, including alcohol. Addiction is a self-imposed condition created by the abuse of drugs including alcohol. Dr Bledsoe is CEO, Calhoun Counseling Services, Inc.
As I read from the "SHE WRITES" journal pages about the experience of her steps along side of the addict, I am reminded why I began this blog. To give voice to those who are not addicts living with or loving someone who is. The addict gets attention from the Doctors, rehab facilities and 12 step programs all without non-addicts voices being heard. Not once did anyone ask the non-addict views, experience of the addict’s condition and what is known to be true. None of those losses counted for. All these financial drains, agony or constant covering up are often ignored.
The line between addict and non- addict is hairline that blurs and breaks at times. The addict moves and lives within his own world of need, creating an outward appearance that both charms and deceives their relations, the circle of people they collect. Addicts are users. The people they know simply become vehicles to the end of getting their drugs, covering their mistakes and absorption of all their problems, issues, and bailouts. Even during the addicts recovery the ones who stand by, still end up in the same role. Never knowing when they might lie and slide back into their old ways. WHY? Addicts lie too well, especially to themselves. Non-Addicts are far to willing to forgive and forget.
The root of their existence is money and their substance. In fact everything to do with and addict needs money. Obtaining money to an addict is necessary to the point of worship. They will do anything for the money to buy their substance of choice. They in fact will steal, commit crimes and betray those who stand in their way for their addiction. They often can't keep a job and even rip off their own employers. Isn't this a truly vicious cycle worth breaking?
Today I read an interesting passage in a daily devotion from Os Hillman called Prime Time with God I wondered if this also included addicts and a possible spiritual root. Just replace the word money with the term addiction/substance. I think it not a coincidence that money and addiction go hand in hand. He writes this:
Mammon is an Aramaic demonic spirit that was worshipped as a false god by the Philistines. Mammon desires to be worshipped, have influence, and control of peoples' lives to require love and devotion through the use of money. Money is simply the instrument by which mammon seeks to have power.
any spirit that opposes God seeks to influence people through deception. It wants to gain loyalty and love without you knowing it has done so. The primary lie behind the spirit of mammon is that money contains power. It encourages people to place disproportionate value on money because of the power it has to influence and control others. The symptoms of being controlled by the spirit of mammon are revealed when we allow our activities to be governed by the amount of money we have instead of God alone. It makes us believe one's provision is his/her employer, spouse, investments, or other money source. So, when we allow money to rule the choices in our lives we have yielded to the spirit of mammon.
So if you are interested in reading more words about those who love addicts, spend some time at this site page called "Why is it so hard on us non-addicts?" Until addicts actually see the insanity of what they do to people, and non-addicts are knowledgeable about the tricks, smoke and mirrors of the addicts, the cycle of abuse will continue forever.Your comments and feedback are welcome. Put all the cards on the table for once!
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Kelly Clarkson - Addicted (lyrics)
It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around
It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time
It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now
It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me
I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around
It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time
It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now
It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me
I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me
Sunday, July 26, 2009
History of The Retreat
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