Letter from one who knows | part II

This is Jeff's email response to my questions found here: CLICK to read prior post:

Yes, his comment did make an impression on me. And it has stuck with me these past 5 years. I only wish it had prompted me to immediately get clean as it would have saved me a good 9 more months of misery, depression, financial crisis and pain inflicted on my family.

But recovery is never that clear cut. Or story book. Or logical. I wasn't ready to quit then. Not until I pushed it as far as I could and realized that my life was ready to implode. Addicts usually only go into recovery as a last resort. And my family, my finances, my career, my freedom--all of it was ready to come crashing down. And they would have fell like heavy, explosive dominoes. My life was a house of cards and a category 5 tornado of destruction was barreling down on me. Only then did I surrender and check myself into rehab. And to be honest, I finally agreed because it fit into my schedule. Of course, in my ego-driven delusion, I couldn't comprehend that my "schedule" was getting high every day as much and as often as possible while showing up to work just enough to not attract attention. I had already given up hiding my addiction from my family. But if I lost my job, I wouldn't have any money coming in and I couldn't keep getting high. And I'm sure I was only weeks away from being discovered. I was high at work constantly. It was over and I knew it.

So I checked into rehab Christmas Eve 5 years ago. And checked out on New Years Day. A new beginning. Sounds like a bad Hollywood script, I know, but it was the holidays so I could take off work and and not attract suspicion. But it was only a week. That was the maximum amount insurance would pay. And to show how screwed up the health insurance industry's policy is on addiction, I had to lie and say I was physically addicted to alcohol. I wasn't. I drank like a fish, yes, but my drug was cocaine. As much as I could get into my system. I snorted it and smoked it constantly. But you don't have physical, violent withdrawls from coke. And that's all the health insurance policy makers care about. That you don't die from withdrawls and they could be sued because they denied you treatment. Which means they deny cocaine addicts treatment every day. It is their policy. Even hopeless crackheads. So I lied, told them I was drinking a liter of vodka a day along with my 8-ball of blow and came home a week later clean and sober.

I was clean but I was in no way cured. You are never cured from addiction. You only get better. And rehab just sets the foundation to get started on your journey to recovery. I knew some people who came out of treatment thinking they were cured. They all relapsed. Some died. Treatment just helps you break the cycle so you can start going to AA meetings. And I go to meetings every week. At first, I went every day for the first 6 months. My cravings lessened after 3 months or so. Then I had to work on my thinking. Deflate my ego. Learn the skill of self-realization. Get connected to a higher power.

So far, it is working. Yes, I still have my addictions. I still work too much, think too much and the idea of eating just because I am hungry is foreign to me. I also watch too much TV, surf the web too much, listen to too much gossip--whatever it is--I do it to escape. To not be in the moment. To scratch the itch deep inside me. To feel something. They say there are two types of addicts. Those who use to feel something and those who use to feel nothing. I always used to feel something. If I could, there are times even now that I would freebase an entire box of Lucky Charms in one sitting just to feel something. But I am getting better. I am less angry ( a lot less), more compassionate, more empathetic and more accepting. I am becoming a part of the human race rather than the god of my own sick, deviant universe.

So yes, please share my words. Hopefully they will help someone. And good luck with your struggle with co-dependency. You know, one of the cues that helped me get clean was when my wife started going to ALANON. She was getting better and I knew it was a matter of time before she left. And losing my family was something I wasn't willing to do.

So take care of yourself. Get yourself healthy first. You can't save anyone but yourself. It's no accident you are attracting addicts into your life. Your dad probably created that need in you. It's certainly not your fault but everyone is responsible for their own recovery. Including the person in your life. They have to hit bottom. And everyone's bottom is different. You hit it when you decide to stop digging.

I hope our friend has put down his shovel.