Admission | Confession | Resolution

ADMISSION

I am not an addict. I never pretended to be an addict nor do I profess to know what it’s like to be a drunk or drug addict.  I am not expert by any means on the topic of addiction. I only lived with addicts all my life.  For a very short season, I experimented with alcohol, drugs losing myself there, until it bit me like snake recoiled in wrath. My mother dragged me to a Christian Retreat for one week at age 17 and I was rescued from life long substance abuse by the new birth given by Jesus. By God’s intervention, I avoided what generational addiction dictated, with His grace and quit it all before it took root. Back in those days alcoholism and drug addiction wasn’t a public service notice, ad on TV or even spoken of. It wasn’t on the airwaves, only a whisper for help in the darkness by families suffering from the fall out. We simply didn’t talk about “that” to each other.

ADDICTION

Recently through a tangled conversation with a recovering alcoholic, it was pointed out that I had no business writing about addiction or the 12 steps. It began a normal congenial exchange then suddenly after reading I wasn’t an addict, it became ugly. Accusations flew as with a baseball bat from intensive emails. All tainted in self-righteous lamenting, that I was arrogant to think I can understand anything about addiction.

My site, my blog, my thoughts were clobbered by this person. My reaction at first was unbelief. I was taken by surprise. What land mine did I step on to deserve this? Trying humility, I asked how to make it better and what needed to change. I was open to learn and gain insight. My attempts to smooth and explain myself only fueled the fire of obvious misplaced anger. Anger begets anger, so words coming from my end tried to be calm, peaceful and reasonable. I admit to my feathers becoming quite ruffled, yet censored my own annoyance at the insensitivity of it all.

CONFESSION

My true response was deep hurt. Rejection and abuse from yet another addict who misunderstood me. It unseated so many of my own “secret” unresolved wounds from other addicts. I withdrew from “Addictshuns” to sort it all out. That conversation brought me to a humble end of what I thought I knew. After telling the hurt our conversation did to me, it was replied back with “I don’t care, nor would any other drunk care that they hurt me by defending the 12 Steps.”

Later that night, a succinct apology arrived by email, asking me to talk to real live AA members. I forgave, though the hurt remained. Holding grudges is not healthy. This pain signaled something deeper inside needed to come to light.

RESOLUTION

That interaction showed me something powerful. For one, conversations without basic rules of understanding are not healthy, yet one can always learn from heated ugly arguments. I need to revisit my own reasons for writing about addiction, as well as heal my wounds perhaps through a personal sponsor of Al Anon, or my pastor.

Two things rang true to change my course with this blog:

·      Codependents who love addicts will never fix them. I am then a codependent who needs to stick to that topic.

o   I realize the underlying intention in this blog was to fix addicts, and myself from the evil addiction cycle I hate so much. Addiction hurt and harmed my family and many friends and people in my world and somehow writing about it helped me understand and study.

o   Only programs within AA, or certified practitioners in the field of addiction can accurately address and help other addicts. I must stick to what I know about co-dependency period.

·      The 12 Steps are only to be learned, worked and followed within context of the AA program and with a sponsor.

o   This is true. I tried to see if they could be worked without the benefit of a group and take them for what is written. I reasoned that the 12 steps were true, no matter who found them could read them for what there were and walk away with a solid path to wellness and recovery. That is a big mistake on my part.

o   The success of AA is through the entire program based on their 12 steps, sponsorship and groups. The Steps belong to AA and from that conversation are proprietary. Therefore I will add a disclaimer to anything mentioning AA, 12 Steps, etc. that my words are my own opinion and encourage anyone seeking help to find an official AA group through the main website.

WHY I WRITE ABOUT ADDICTION:

I reiterate, I am not an addict nor am I an expert in the topic. I write addictshuns | addictions from my own perspective and experiences, a person on the other side of addiction. You know in AA terminology “co-dependent.”  All articles, resources and posts are written as my own opinion and reflection about the topic of addiction. It not intended to lead anyone astray, harm them or cause life and death situations with my own lack of knowledge, or their need to find truth or help.

       

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Views of the Original 12 Step Manuscript

Nice find today on the Yahoo News site! It is indeed a "rare glimpse" into this historic book, "with 27 million copies of the so-called Big Book in more than 50 languages have been sold."  It is fitting to find this while writing my Step One, final post before moving on to Octobers Step Two arriving later on today. I want to highlight a few sections of the article:

"Some of the edits made it into print, especially in early chapters for fragile readers. Many others were rejected as the still-anonymous personalities behind the notes fretted over how to handle God and religion, a Higher Power "bigger than ourselves" and the influence of the Oxford Group, a religious movement embraced by Wilson and his fellow founder, Ohio physician Bob Smith, but later considered a preachy hindrance in working with problem drinkers." Quote from original Yahoo article

The editors rightly smoothed out the bumps of religious language to engage a broader audience. To me, a follower of Jesus, I acknowledge the Bible as the final authority being written from God's inspired authors at the same time, understanding not every one is on that page. It's my aim to catch a broad audience on this blog, without being afraid to speak my own faith and journey. Nor should anyone be afraid or offended about another person’s beliefs. That goes both ways. Mutual respect and understanding is what allows for true dialogue.

Much like the editors of books purge, change and influence the original manuscripts, I believe that God, Creator of All, did the same to His Book making it His Word. Simply because people don't believe there is GOD or that there are absolute truths stated through scripture, doesn't make it invalid or non-truth. Who are men to say there is no God? :)

"In the opening chapter, which tells Wilson's story, one commenter questions this sentence: "God has to work twenty-four hours a day in and through us, or we perish."

The criticism? "Who are we to say what God has to do?” The reference, at a Dr. Howard's suggestion, was changed to "Faith."

Some mentions of God became "God as we understood him," and the famous "We" at the beginning of the first step was added later at the suggestion of one among five or six to make notes on the manuscript, including Wilson himself.

In the seventh step, where Wilson and his collaborators indicate to their readers that they "Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings," a reference to doing so "on our knees" was crossed out and never made it into print." Quote from original Yahoo article. 

I do however stand by the statement I made about smoothing out the BIG BOOK, even though it's original intent revered the Word of GOD, instruction and religion. Preachy sounding text does turn away as many as it attracts. Religion is just the term of organizations of belief. Spirituality is also just a broad term to describe everything other than physical, mental understanding. I believe that when men call out to God with honest seeking of truth they will find Him. 

Suppose God is way above all our thinking, and doesn't need defense by any man? Don't you think He only desires for men to find Him and searches for those who seek truth, as He reveals it? God never forces anyone to believe in Him; He simply calls us to find out for ourselves. 

For addicts this is key to true recovery. They must come to terms with their own failures, strength and sense of self. To find God in their own way and follow it with all their heart, soul and mind to recover and live life abundant in natural non-addictive ways.

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12 Steps - STEP ONE: Begin Here

Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable
In thinking about the first step I realize it is simply to "give up" when all else fails. By that I mean not giving in to the problem, but truly, deep down admitting we are stuck and need help getting out from under being stuck. This is not only for those seeking recovery from addiction it is for those who seek recovery in life from crisis, trouble, and overwhelming circumstances.

Take time to think deeply about who you are, where things went wrong and what holds you together. If it's a substance holding your life, what would it feel like to be free? If life is hammering you with one bad thing after another, rather than cave in, "Give Up" in faith. Renew your belief in God, or your higher power, for rescue.

Jesus said "You will know the truth the truth and will set you free." He also stated "I am the Way the Truth and Life."  (see John 14:5-7 John 8:31-33)

The Tiger of Addiction and Troubles
I wrote before about the story of the tiger. If you let go he'll turn to eat you, keep a tight hold, and you keep spinning round and round with no end in sight. If you are captive to anything dangerous that you can't get out of, or don't see your way out of, you have a tiger by the tail. So what's the solution?

It's a small beginning: ADMIT you can't win. You thought you could control that "tiger" but it's out of control. Put up the white flag and admit defeat. That tiger is a figment in your mind, manifested in your addiction or troubles. Take the wind out of the sail and quit denying you need help and reach out for it. It is indeed the fist step towards recovery.

There are 11 more steps to take to be rid of your tiger!

Check out the Grateful Dead Lyrics HERE to catch the drift of what a tiger can be...

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12 Steps - STEP ONE: Reveal the Secrets

SECRETS come to light in Step One.

Anything secretly hidden for fear of being found out is potentially hazardous for you. When you hide your chocolates, pornography or prescription medications, it’s time to take a deep look within. It’s not the cherished, beautiful secrets that destroy. It’s the dark, foreboding ones, you know the kind that make your stomach tie into knots, fraught with guilt and anxiety. “You are so angry!” she said. “No I am not!” said he. A big clue that you have an issue is to deny its existence. For instance, I am not taking too many *Vicodins. 

I don’t drink too much. I didn’t even look at that porn site. Yeah, right... For once have courage to speak the truth! * more about prescription addictions in later posts!


One common thread in addiction / hoarding / obsession is keeping it a secret with everyone else playing the same game. Last night I watched a program on animal hoarding where a woman owned over 10 dogs, and kept adding more. She bought dog treats and dog food before she fed her own family, including 2 adult sons, and her mother. Some would argue that dogs are not an addiction. I agree, but she was indeed addicted to owning these dogs and fear of loss.

One note: These dogs NEVER went out of the house. Her fear was they would go outside, escape and get hit by a car. You can only imagine that environment. Unmanageable? You bet! No one talks about the obvious elephant in the room, or in her case dog mess, smell and total disarray with unhealthy consequences. Intervention by concerned family members and a therapist was the only way to get this woman moved towards self help. Disclosure, unveiling secrets that need to come to light brings with it healing. Only then can the first step be taken!

One solution: Admit your addiction, your sins, your failures. Tell your “secret” to someone trustworthy. *Confess, until all is told. Then the poison from that secret dissipates, with space and time to heal. However, keep the good secrets, secret. 

James 5:16 in the Message Bible states, “Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed. The prayer of a person living right with God is something powerful to be reckoned with.”

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* CONFESS verb

1 he confessed that he had done it admit, acknowledge, reveal, disclose, divulge, avow, declare, profess; own up, tell all. 

antonym deny.

2 they could not make him confess own up, plead guilty, accept the blame; tell the truth, tell all, make a clean breast of it; informal come clean, spill the beans, let the cat out of the bag, get something off one's chest, let on, fess up.

3 I confess: I don't know acknowledge, admit, concede, grant, allow, own, declare, affirm.

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GUIDELINE RULE: Open up about the things that poisoned you and cause pain, keeping safe the secrets that are treasures, as well the confidence of others. Know your boundary lines. Know when to reveal things for heal and gain, keeping sacred those things needing to be hidden. Consider finding a counselor or therapist to work through your secrets!

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2010-2011: Taking Steps to Sobriety

Addict-shuns | Addictions Delves into Traditional 12 Steps

Over the next 12 months this blog focuses on each step being the theme for a month. It begins in September alongside Recovery Month celebrated by The National Alcohol and Drug Addiction group. The plan is to share resources, links, books, movies and insight into recovery and wholeness, along with personal insight and thoughts.

Through this blog I’ll take time to walk the 12 Steps with a fresh, wide eyed view of the each step. It’s my journey about recovery on the other side of addiction, hopefully a creative intuitive one. I have never actually worked with anyone through these steps, only having read them. I’d like to experience them firsthand as a co-dependent. I think it is a poor term not truly accurately describing one on the other side of addiction.

My experience with addiction is through my own upbringing, fellow addicts that are friends, family, acquaintances or stories heard. I do not speak for anyone who has substance addiction or like issues. Only an addict can tell his/her story. Yet those involved with them living in the circle of their insanity shares that very same story on the flip side of the coin in a mirrored way. This is the heart of Addictshun | Addictions to tell both sides.

I only know my own tendencies for obsessive compulsions towards foods, online games, old movies, and that creepy dark friend, depression, if that counts as addiction. Perhaps-the depression is a symptom or reason for avoidance, something to be investigated along the way. Using the steps created by AA I plan to unveil this journey towards wholeness and recovery.

This blog doesn’t pretend to know all about addictions, nor do I have an education through schooling or university. Life has been my university, with a passion for knowledge and wisdom about everything it takes to be whole in a seemingly broken world. So check back here regularly. Look for the banner above to get the low-down on Addictshun’s view of the 12 Steps. Your comments, stories and ideas are encouraged.

BE SURE TO CHECK OUT THE TABS ABOVE FOR NEW PAGES ADDED:

Home = Postings • Get Help Links = Sponsors • From the Other Side = Journal • 12 Steps = AA

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without feedback seems stale and goes no where.  We only grow through
sharing, transparent conversation and admission of our weakness and strengths!
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12 steps to where?

What possesses us and binds up keeps us as slaves. Where do you find true freedom at the end of 12 steps? Listen and find who can set you free! Gordon speaks quietly to hearts seeking to be whole. WORTH listening to again and again.700 Club- Gordon Robinson: 7 Days Ablaze - , Sept. 21, 2009

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Learning from the past

Back in May, I wrote about a friend, Terry, a repeat offender with 12 DWI's. I updated the link as the video no longer exists on KRQE's site. Symbolically it made me think - it's time to update Terry's progress in life, as well as the link deleting the video.

I talked with Terry in October on a visit back home. If the troubles of a year probation and all the junk that goes with it can teach one to turn the other way, Terry has done just that. I observed a tremendous change and polish to him. He's calm, not angry and is working the 12 Step program with a zeal I rarely see in others. His business is flourishing and life seems to be falling in place. There's something to be said about sobriety. I've always liked him regardless of his addictions. We all have them in some form or another. It's only when addictions come to full fruition and hurt others that it's had to see past the sin. Or in other words: wrong doing, error, failure, immoral acts, criminal offense or misbehavior.

Terry never lost his sense of humor, ability to learn and move on during his struggle with addiction. Nor did his faith in God. He also is involved in his musical talent a gift worth polishing. His family stayed the course with him. My friend, his ex, kept a light to "normal" life out to him. Otherwise, he may have missed the forgiveness and restoration he enjoys now. I see the light in Terry and it makes me happy to know one more didn't bite the dust!

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Be Sober, Be Healed.
Are you or someone you know struggling with addiction?
It affects everyone. Ready for a change?
Addiction Rehab is available.
Make a choice today.

12 STEP CHAT: Terms of Addiction

are not terms of endearment!
I learned today that certain terms are not allowed in 12 step group meetings, it's a non acceptable medical term not allowed in 12 step talk. I was sorta sideswiped!

when I mentioned co-dependency, I was immediately hushed. cause for a pause. from that point on I was mostly ignored. Oh well! So I asked what term is acceptable. Twice asked to be exact. finally a woman said alanonies... WOW, don't suppose I would ever apply that term to myself.

this woman stated she has worked the program for 52 years. So she still has the need to be in these rooms? if the steps work, then at what point one is free from the need to be involved in support groups? Is this a misguided question?

I notice several things about support groups. They all seem to thrive on each other’s sorrow, stories and issues. Most likely no one gets "better" with this thought process. Some of them actually disassociate with "normal" populations and even consider non-addict's outsiders as in "THEM". "They just don't understand us" was the comment of a man who explained the Celebrate Recovery group at a church. I walked away from that group, astonished at the total control over what can be discussed and what cannot. No interaction, just empty space between the stories. Some stories were decades old with no resolve on many of the attendee’s part.

Listening is the big thing in 12 step groups, but in the chat room all I saw was everyone writing at the same time and not really connecting or hearing deeply. Realize it was open chat and not the formal online meetings, which indeed are quite structured.

These are facts from my point of view on groups. It’s understood that AA, AL-ANON, NA, Celebrate Recovery have help millions of people put their life back together. It makes me wonder what people do to get well on the other side of 12 steps...

Guess it's time to discover all the terminology in this area of study. Oh, others complained about being labeled. I agree with that, but sometimes you need to know what you are dealing with disease or sickness wise before you can find the cure.

StepChat.com

today i joined my first Al-Anon/Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting online at the link above. I visited Celebrate Recovery and other support groups only to walk away with temporary relief, but never went back. Other online chats are usually out of control and allow bozo's in soliciting their own junk. This one is different! It was organized, had greeters and Chairperson, everyone spoke in order and with respect. I am most impressed with the formality and guidelines. The pasting of the 12 steps and the information about the step program. The serenity prayer and moment of silence. In all these points I felt the life of the room - others hurting and wanting answers, those who have worked the steps guiding people back to daily principles and working the steps. this is a positive experience for me and want to keep attending, to learn more about applying these principles and about myself as codependent. As one member said "It works when we work it."

To find out more about 12 Steps for any condition click HERE.

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Be Sober, Be Healed.

Are you or someone you know struggling with addiction?

It affects everyone. Ready for a change?

Addiction Rehab is available.

Make a choice today.

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12 Steps for Believers in Christ

Christian 12 Steps Link to Site

1. We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and dysfunctional- behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that God, a Power greater than ourselves, could restore us to sanity and stability.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as revealed in the Bible.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as revealed in the Bible, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Scriptural 12 Steps 

Expanded Version of 1 and 7

STEP 1. We admitted that we had become powerless over alcohol or the alcoholic (the substance we had abused or the substance abuser) and that our lives were unmanageable.There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death. (Prov 14:12) For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do - this I keep on doing. (Rom 7:19) What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? (ROM 7:24)

STEP 7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings and to forgive us – believing He would remove them - and receiving His forgiveness. He who conceals his sin does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy. (Prov 28;13) Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my inequity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the Lord" – and you forgave the guilt of my sin. (Psl 32:5) Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

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