Admission | Confession | Resolution

ADMISSION

I am not an addict. I never pretended to be an addict nor do I profess to know what it’s like to be a drunk or drug addict.  I am not expert by any means on the topic of addiction. I only lived with addicts all my life.  For a very short season, I experimented with alcohol, drugs losing myself there, until it bit me like snake recoiled in wrath. My mother dragged me to a Christian Retreat for one week at age 17 and I was rescued from life long substance abuse by the new birth given by Jesus. By God’s intervention, I avoided what generational addiction dictated, with His grace and quit it all before it took root. Back in those days alcoholism and drug addiction wasn’t a public service notice, ad on TV or even spoken of. It wasn’t on the airwaves, only a whisper for help in the darkness by families suffering from the fall out. We simply didn’t talk about “that” to each other.

ADDICTION

Recently through a tangled conversation with a recovering alcoholic, it was pointed out that I had no business writing about addiction or the 12 steps. It began a normal congenial exchange then suddenly after reading I wasn’t an addict, it became ugly. Accusations flew as with a baseball bat from intensive emails. All tainted in self-righteous lamenting, that I was arrogant to think I can understand anything about addiction.

My site, my blog, my thoughts were clobbered by this person. My reaction at first was unbelief. I was taken by surprise. What land mine did I step on to deserve this? Trying humility, I asked how to make it better and what needed to change. I was open to learn and gain insight. My attempts to smooth and explain myself only fueled the fire of obvious misplaced anger. Anger begets anger, so words coming from my end tried to be calm, peaceful and reasonable. I admit to my feathers becoming quite ruffled, yet censored my own annoyance at the insensitivity of it all.

CONFESSION

My true response was deep hurt. Rejection and abuse from yet another addict who misunderstood me. It unseated so many of my own “secret” unresolved wounds from other addicts. I withdrew from “Addictshuns” to sort it all out. That conversation brought me to a humble end of what I thought I knew. After telling the hurt our conversation did to me, it was replied back with “I don’t care, nor would any other drunk care that they hurt me by defending the 12 Steps.”

Later that night, a succinct apology arrived by email, asking me to talk to real live AA members. I forgave, though the hurt remained. Holding grudges is not healthy. This pain signaled something deeper inside needed to come to light.

RESOLUTION

That interaction showed me something powerful. For one, conversations without basic rules of understanding are not healthy, yet one can always learn from heated ugly arguments. I need to revisit my own reasons for writing about addiction, as well as heal my wounds perhaps through a personal sponsor of Al Anon, or my pastor.

Two things rang true to change my course with this blog:

·      Codependents who love addicts will never fix them. I am then a codependent who needs to stick to that topic.

o   I realize the underlying intention in this blog was to fix addicts, and myself from the evil addiction cycle I hate so much. Addiction hurt and harmed my family and many friends and people in my world and somehow writing about it helped me understand and study.

o   Only programs within AA, or certified practitioners in the field of addiction can accurately address and help other addicts. I must stick to what I know about co-dependency period.

·      The 12 Steps are only to be learned, worked and followed within context of the AA program and with a sponsor.

o   This is true. I tried to see if they could be worked without the benefit of a group and take them for what is written. I reasoned that the 12 steps were true, no matter who found them could read them for what there were and walk away with a solid path to wellness and recovery. That is a big mistake on my part.

o   The success of AA is through the entire program based on their 12 steps, sponsorship and groups. The Steps belong to AA and from that conversation are proprietary. Therefore I will add a disclaimer to anything mentioning AA, 12 Steps, etc. that my words are my own opinion and encourage anyone seeking help to find an official AA group through the main website.

WHY I WRITE ABOUT ADDICTION:

I reiterate, I am not an addict nor am I an expert in the topic. I write addictshuns | addictions from my own perspective and experiences, a person on the other side of addiction. You know in AA terminology “co-dependent.”  All articles, resources and posts are written as my own opinion and reflection about the topic of addiction. It not intended to lead anyone astray, harm them or cause life and death situations with my own lack of knowledge, or their need to find truth or help.

       

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